Well you are in for a bonus of Game of Thrones posts from me today and tomorrow. New computer for my birthday last week! This means I have a lot to catch up on. I’m watching this on an old monitor that is so dark it’s impossible to see half the screen so this should be fun.
So if you’re sitting comfortably, let’s begin. This is one brutal hour of telly, guys, so I hope you’re not feeling sensitive. Also it’s my favourite episode so far this series which says absolutely everything about me, really.
Who don’t we see? Sam, the gang on Dragonstone, Jaime (don’t panic he’s back next week), I think that’s it. For an episode that jumps around a lot it does very well at packing everyone it can into each scene without losing momentum. It’s probably the best script so far this season in that respect, though I feel like I have fewer quotes to latch on to.
– OH NO WINTERFELL SO WE’RE JUMPING STRAIGHT IN THEN OKAY GREAT I’m glad we’re finally seeing the point and purpose of ravens rather dramatically depicted onscreen. OH THEON YOU MASSIVE WANKER. “I’m a Greyjoy. I can’t fight for Robb and my father both.” Bran’s beautiful in this scene. The gulf between the both of them – Theon’s earnest, desperate demand for control and Bran’s calm, serene response – says everything. A man in charge never needs to stroll around reminding people of it. “Please, Theon, think what you do” pleads Maester Luwin, but to no avail, and we lose a brilliant soldier in front of screaming children. “Hush now, child. I’m off to see your father.” Sansa once screamed like Bran and Rickon are screaming, for Eddard. Fat lot of good that did too. That was the death of the father, this is the destruction of home and safety. WINTERFELL AIN’T SAFE NO MORE.
– Comparisons and contrasts between Theon, Joffrey and Eddard when it comes to executions now too obvious for words.
– “GODS HELP YOU THEON GREYJOY” amazing music, amazing, and I’m traumatized and have to pause this to get some tea because holy crap that was brutal (I had three tea breaks in this episode because lol “brutal” barely begins to cover it)
– “You start thinking you know this place, it’ll kill you” advises Qorin Halfhand. This applies to King’s Landing. And everywhere in Westeros. And probably the Free Cities come to think of it. clever writing. And I love this depiction of weary men at the arse end of the world, the lack of hope for anything better than a neat, comfortable death.
– Arya and Tywin’s interactions are delightful. “My cup-bearer can read better than you.” Arya is to Tywin what Sansa is to Cersei. Keep them too close, they’ll pick things up, learing things you don’t want your enemies to learn. WHAT IS PETYR DOING HERE DOES HE HAVE SOME SORT OF WORMHOLE TECHNOLOGY IN HIS POCKET OR SOMETHING the man is everywhere. If I didn’t know better I’d think it very suspicious. Oh wait, it’s Littlefinger, hahaha is he ever NOT suspicious. He’s completely outmatched by Tywin – you can see it annoy him. “More wine for Lord Baelish.” GOSH DID HE RECOGNISE HER. DID HE. Why else would he be there, I’m struggling to work this out.
– Jon Snow is not a ninja. I think we knew this. HELLO DOWNTON ABBEY LADY. She is very good. I think we knew that she would be. “I’m as much a crow as they are” Jon Snow says, clearly not meaning it. Kit Harington is rather excellent even though they’ve made Snow so much more emo than he is in the books. I am having Star Wars flashbacks. Never mind. Also why would Qorin leave someone as young and green as Jon is to execute a pretty girl unless he meant for this to happen? I can’t remember it being as silly as this in the book. But it’s a nice character-developing sort of silly so I’ll let it go.
– I want to quote the look that Tyrion gives Cersei after her threat but THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE IS IT damn this is so limiting. BUT YES TYRION YES. YES. “I saw you cry,” Sansa says pointedly. Joffrey is appalled. He’s marvellous. ACTING PRIZES FOR JACK GLEESON PLEASE. “Come on, dog,” while Sandor looks distant and Cersei looks cross.
– AND CHAOS ERUPTS THIS IS GREAT let’s just watch the madness as Joffrey gets to act the crap out of it “I WANT THESE PEOPLE EXECUTED” “THEY WANT THE SAME FOR YOU” and oh my god they ripped him up THIS IS CRAZY AWESOME AND “WHERE’S SANSA” oh she’s slightly dishevelled but doing fine escape work OH SANDOR ROCK THE FUCK ON oh she’s not doing so well now there are scary men after her RUN SANSA RUN
– “We’ve had vicious kings, and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t know it we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!”
– “AND NOW I’VE STRUCK A KING did my hand fall from my wrist?”
– TYRION IS JUST WINNING SO HARD HE’S MAKING THE REST OF THE CAST LOOK BORING AND MUNDANE AND IN THIS SHOW THAT IS AMAZING BECAUSE THEY REALLY AREN’T
– GO SANSA GO HOLY SHIT WHAT THIS IS INSANE SHE’S JUST OH MY GOD SANDOR
– “All right, little bird, you’re all right” WELL NOT REALLY IF I’M HONEST
– “Well done, Clegane.” “I didn’t do it for you.”
– THERE’S NO POINT COMMENTING ON ANY OF THAT IS THERE this is a moment for another tea break while I watch it again to get the quotes right because damn guys that was intense and Sophie Turner is tremendous and everyone’s awesome and good lord that was as good as it was in the books, I don’t even miss Lollys. Filming that must have been crazy for poor Sophie. She’s just ickle!
– Dany and Xaro bantering. She has such loathing on her face as she gazes up at the staircase, it’s marvellous. “She has a talent for drama, this one.” Lols. I do not think Daenerys likes being called “little princess” by a quibbling fat man asking hard questions. I mean, who would? That man is so patronizing I’m amazed she’s not sicced a dragon on him yet.
– Another person being undervalued? Arya Stark. Except there’s this sense that Tywin in particular values her more than he should, even while overlooking her. I don’t know what to make of this. “What killed him?” “Loyalty.” “You’re a sharp little thing, aren’t you?” AREN’T YOU. ISN’T SHE. Oh wait I’ve worked it out – this is why she doesn’t ask for Jaqen to kill him. I think she actually likes him. And she’s yet to understand the wider ramifications of power. And god did we just get a scene that makes Tywin even slightly sympathetic? In a “well he’s not a complete bastard but when it comes to magnificent arseholes” way? This show is insane.
– Jaqen is so hot I can’t actually make any judgements except bwahaha eye roll LOL BEST ENTRANCE EVER bye Amory Loch, you massive bastard. Look at this point. That is what Jaqen does to me. Let’s have more Jaqen so Ewa loses her ability to make coherent points, yes? Oh wait I can redeem it – Jaqen is killing people FOR Arya while Jon Snow can’t kill at all and Theon messes it up and so on and so forth and no one is living up to Eddard’s rather simple, clean, effective, just standard as set out at the beginning. There. That’s a point. Oh I do love Jaqen.
– Oh Robb, you charmer. I approve of this version of Jeyne. So much more understandable than in the books. Oh Robb.
– CATELYN STARK, COCKBLOCKING
– MORE BRIENNE PLEASE
– “You’re brave. Stupid, but brave.”
– “Stop moving. STOP IT” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS POOR JON SNOW I love her smirk. Rock on Ygritte.
– Oh poor Robb 😦 your best friend is a turncoat. And now his mother’s shouting I TOLD YOU SO and it’s too much for the poor boy. Oh no not the Bolton bastard OH GOD I DON’T THINK I COULD COPE WITH THE BASTARD OH MY GOD REEK NO
– Theon having to remind YET ANOTHER PERSON that he’s trying to be more than a “lord”. My screen is too dark for this. I think there are boobs here. Boobs are Theon’s great weakness. Oh wow yes lots of naked lady here. Is anyone surprised? Yes? No. Okay.
– OH WOW SHAE AND SANSA. “If the wrong people hear you!” “But you’re not the wrong people.” “Don’t trust anybody. Life is safer that way.” Best scene. Both characters are strong – Sansa doesn’t understand the hate, Shae shows some honesty beneath the gloss, it’s all about Sansa coming to terms with the brutality of a world Shae knows too well. It’s a lovely scene, weirdly, and highlights why I like Sansa so much. If she’d had bread she’d have given it to him, but obviously she doesn’t understand what all of that was about. She will though. She will. And Shae IS “the wrong people”, so the advice she’s giving Sansa is right. And yet Sansa in all honesty just wants to do good and be good. Poor doll.
– Osha is cooler than I remember too. This episode belongs to the women. Especially the wildling women. I love that Osha outwitted Theon with her tits. Outtitted. God she’s fabulous. Rock on Osha. Did anyone else do a bit of an air punch or seat dance when they snuck out? Just me? Okkkkaaaaay.
– The changes to Xaro’s character are tremendous and perfect and wow drama
– WAIT WHAT
– NO NOT IRRI 😦 😦 😦
– WHAT IS THIS, I DON’T UNDERSTAND
– Well whatever, I trust you, Game of Thrones producers. I will not pass comment on these massive diversions from the text when they’re framed as cliffhangers. My cliff is well and truly hung though, I can tell you that.
AND NEXT WEEK